


After Which Multiple Complaints Will be Brought To The Evolution Department

by Aewin



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bulges and Nooks (Homestuck), Drunk Sex, Nonbinary Roxy Lalonde, Oral Sex, Other, Pegging, Strap-Ons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 23:13:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20235952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aewin/pseuds/Aewin
Summary: When Roxy breaks Sollux's glasses, neither of them expects it will lead to drunken pegging in a parking lot at 2am - which is just as well, because they might have avoided it otherwise.





	After Which Multiple Complaints Will be Brought To The Evolution Department

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SnarkySoleil](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnarkySoleil/gifts).

> Hey there, SnarkySoleil! I had a lot of trouble picking a prompt to go with since the system somehow matched you with me perfectly and it turns out you might be my smutty brain twin or something. Wild. But in the end I had to go with this one because hot damn, what a good rarepair. I wasn't sure how xeno was too xeno so I played it fairly tame here (you didn't have bookmarks here on AO3 for me to use as a reference), but I do possibly have some ideas for another prompt of yours if you're okay with stuff a little more hardcore than the fanon standard bulges and nooks. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Quick notes on content: Roxy is nonbinary here but going by 'she' pronoun-wise. It's not super important to the 'plot' (if you can count this as having one) but it does have an impact on her actions. She also drinks, but she has a high alcohol tolerance here, not alcoholism. The sex is consensual to the extent that sex between two drunk people can be considered consensual.

“Hey Captor, catch!”

You look up just in time to catch a glimpse of underboob before Roxy’s company-issued vest smacks you in the face with more force than a ball of mesh fabric should be able to muster. Your glasses tangle in them and you frantically attempt to salvage the situation before—

_ Thunk! _

Before they go flying. Like that. You kneel carefully, gently testing the ground for eyewear before trusting your knees to it, and start fumbling around in a blurry haze, muttering profanities under your breath.

“...would it have killed you to make sure I was paying attention before you did that? I understand the urge to leave work as quickly as possible, really, I do, but if those glasses are broken my squee is two hundred percent pre-harshed for the weekend and you can trust that I can and _ will _ pass that extra one hundred percent of misery onto you, Lalonde.”

“Oops?” Something’s shoved at you, and with a bit of squinting you realize Roxy’s holding out your glasses. You put them on, bringing her sheepish expression into view. “Sometimes you just gotta shimmy the fuck outta that shit, consequences be damned.”

“Next time I’m just going to let my eye lasers destroy you.”

She has the audacity to grin at that. “Cool. Is that like a freaky alien thing, or a freaky you thing, or just another cool skillset I need to apply myself to learning?”

“Heh. A me thing, mostly.” You push at your glasses to straighten them, and they fall ignominously apart on your face, the bulk dangling from one ear while one of the temples drops to the floor below. “_ Fuck. _”

Roxy kneels beside you and searches the floor, and you scrutinize the bits you can access. “Is the screw down there, Lalonde?”

She angles her phone’s light under the breakroom table. “Doesn’t look like it. You have a repair kit?”

You scoff. “Of course. What kind of inexperienced noob do you take me for?” You pause, thinking, and curse internally. “...bold of you to assume it’s at work, though.”

“Okayyyyy, so you’re the kind of inexperienced noob that didn’t get a travel kit. Just. Hold those on your face or something, I’ll drive you to the store and get you one to keep in your car like a practical human being.”

“Troll,” you correct, just to be a dick.

“Right.”

Roxy’s car is so old you’re surprised it doesn’t have an antique plate, but despite looking like a tornado dumped the contents of a Chinese takeout place into it, it runs like a dream. If there’s one thing she’s good at, it’s taking care of her tech. (Not that she’s not good at a lot of stuff—and irritatingly good, at that. Sometimes—_ just sometimes, _okay?—you might feel just the slightest bit of pitch envy when watching how quickly she resolves a problem and gets rid of the latest idiot to wreck their computer on a shady porn site. But that’s neither here nor there.)

Fixing your glasses is surprisingly pain-free; miraculously, the screwhole isn’t stripped and the frame isn’t bent, so a single screw is all that’s needed and you can save the rest of the kit for later.

And like an idiot, when Roxy offers to take you out for drinks as an apology, you accept without thinking of the consequences. Weekend drinks with your hot co-worker when you’ve got the alcohol tolerance of a two-perigee grub? What could possibly go wrong?

* * *

Roxy, as it turns out, has an incredibly high alcohol tolerance, so when she suggests hitting the club’s dance floor you are more than happy to abandon your increasingly slurred defense of ~ATH as the codebase for all your Github projects in favor of flailing like a limp noodle in a sea of strobe lights, sweat, and boners.

Roxy starts out a respectable distance from you at first. Personal space: respected. Good. You don’t like when people get all up in your junk. But—and you should have known this was inevitable—when an argument breaks out between two trolls next to you, one of them gets shoved into Roxy, who bounces directly into your chest.

She’s a full foot shorter than you, with a lot more meat on her bones (which is to say, she’s of average build compared to being a sack of piranha teeth held together with hot glue, like you are), and it’s actually...really comfortable having her squished into you like this. Your arms settle around her without thinking.

“Hey there,” she murmurs into your chest.

“Hey,” you agree, in a stunning feat of diction heretofore unknown to trollkind. You loosen your arms, but she pulls them back up, snuggling into your hold. She sways idly back and forth, curls tickling your chin.

“You’re like. _ Hella _ warm, anyone ever tell you that? Could fry an egg on your bony ass.”

“I mean. You _ are _ sorta clinging to me like a gecko and rubbing yourself on every inch you can access. Can’t blame a guy for getting hot over that.”

She shifts and you look down to meet her eyes. Do humans naturally have pink eyes, or are those contacts? Either way, they’re breathtaking this close.

“I get you hot, huh? Bet I could get you hotter.” She grins and grabs your ass. Well, what passes for it, anyways. It wouldn’t even do that much for you, if she didn’t use the grip to pull your hips flush against her and _ hello _, bulge tips poking curiously out of your sheath, this was not where you thought tonight was headed.

“You, uh. I bet you—_ fuck _, yeah, apparently you can.” Eloquence: you have it in spades. Eheh, spades.

“Are you usually this shy or I should I back away from the booty?” She’s practically purring, her full lips ghosting along your jawline, and you can barely hear her over the blasting electronica.

Fuck it. “If your hands leave my body I’m going to have to take a bereavement day on Monday, Roxy.”

“Even if I replace them with my mouth?” She nips at your ear, and you almost fall over before registering what she just said.

You push her gently away from you, trying not to show your alarm. “Lalonde, I’m not sure if you just haven’t watched enough porn or what, but mouths don’t _ go _ near those body parts. Not if you want to keep them. And I do. I very, very much do.”

“If I don’t watch enough—Captor, I literally run a porn blog, what are you on about?”

(File that away for later questioning, damn.)

You open your mouth and point out the obvious. “Teeth?”

She opens hers in response, and it hits you that _ right, those aren’t sharp _. Humans are fucking weird.

“Oh. Replace away then, I guess.” You’re not sure how this is gonna go down, but you’re nothing if not interested in new and exciting ways to get off. “How do you wanna…?”

“Hmm.” Her gaze shifts to the bathrooms. There’s a line, so that’s not gonna work. “My car, maybe? Little cramped, but good ol’ She-ra hasn’t let me down yet!”

(Of course she gave it a stupid name. Whatever. Boner time, not “laugh at car name” time.)

It takes some fumbling given your drunkenness and the darkness (it’s hard to tell which is more responsible for the issues), but eventually Roxy manages to find her keys and shove you onto her backseat, sending a cascade of takeout boxes flying.

“Do you eat anything _ but _Chinese food?” you complain, lifting your ass so she can slide your pants off.

She grins a very dangerous grin. “Yes, actually,” she announces, then slides her tongue up your nook. Your eyes roll back in your head as you make the most pathetic fucking noise you’ve made in your life. How _ dare _ troll biology deprive you of this wonder?

“I’m filing a complaint with the evolution department for depriving my species of this, Lalonde. Remind me on Monday.”

She snickers, sending vibrations up your sheath, then kisses a bulge. “Only if you remind me to file a complaint about not getting an innie _ and _ an outie, this shit’s the best of all worlds.”

“I’ll bring it up on lunch break next week, I’m sure management will love this kind of breakroom talk.” One of your bulges tries to crawl in her ear, but she tugs it away and puts both of them in her mouth instead. This is more familiar, almost like a nook, but still a far cry from anything you’ve experienced. Your nerves are on fire, and when she slips her tongue between your bulges and sucks to create a vacuum, you have to give her a warning. “Roxy, I’m - fuck, I don’t know if you know how trolls work, but I’m pretty sure you’re gonna drown in the next minute if you don’t get those out of your mouth. Do you have a bucket or something?”

She _ pops _ off your bulges and looks around in the dim light. “Um. Egg drop soup container? I didn’t really expect to be sucking an alien off in my car tonight. But do you mind if I play with your pretty little pussy some more first, because there’s something I’ve wanted to try for a while now and I haven’t exactly had the occasion.” There’s an excited glimmer in her eyes, even in the low light, and you couldn’t bring yourself to say no even if you wanted to.

You nod assent. “What the hell. Wreck me.”

“Sollux Captor, those are the best damn words I have heard in my _ life _. Gimme just a second, okay?”

Half a second later she’s used her sex wizard powers to remove her top, exposing rumblespheres that, while not exactly _ large _, are a lot bigger than they seem while she’s got her sports bra on. You get a great view of her ass while she rummages around in the glovebox, too.

“Is that a fucking vibrator? You just keep a vibrator in your car, in case of random interspecies makeouts?” You gesture at the red presumably-dildo in her hands.

“Um, yes and no?” she says, slipping out of her jeans. “Hold that thought.” She pulls a dick out of her boxer-briefs. “This,” she gestures, “is a pack and play toy. I pack a lot, cuz dicks are awesome, but I’ve never _ played _ , if you know what I mean.” She adjusts the dick, and you watch as she slips the vibrator into it. The bulk it adds makes it stand upright like she has a boner, and when she squeezes the base you hear a low whirring noise start up. She shivers. “Oh, I _ like _ that.”

Your nook throbs in anticipation. “I think I do too.”

She shoos you over to the side and sits in the middle seat, then you finagle yourself into the position that sucks least for your height in the cramped space: your arms around her neck for support while you stretch out across the seat, her buzzing cock between your legs. Your bulges are excitedly rubbing against it, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d guess they were trying to jack it off.

Her lips press against your jaw. “You ready for me to plow your fields, Captor?”

You almost bite yourself trying to hold back the shudder that those words send through you, but you manage to recover _ some _ modicum of composure and nod assent. “I have never wanted something inside of me more in my life and that includes my first heat, so please, _ please _ just do it, Lalonde.”

You lift and angle your hips, she lifts and angles hers, and when you lower yourself again her dick slides smoothly into you. Did she have lube too, or are you just that wet already? Goddamn.

It’s a bit of an awkward rhythm at first, what with the whole height-difference, interspecies, cramped-car, fake-human-junk thing making things not quite match up, but it gets a lot better when you decide that you can dispose with whatever silent rule was holding you back from kissing her. She tastes like fifty kinds of fruity booze, and letting yourself get closer to her like this means her rumblespheres are pressing into you too. Her hand wraps cautiously around a bulge and starts to squeeze and pump, and you moan appreciatively to let her know she’s doing it right. At this point you have no doubt she runs a porn blog like she said, and you’re beginning to suspect there’s quite a lot of troll porn involved given how eager she is to just jump in and start playing with your junk. You are _ not _ complaining.

She’s more receptive to the kissing than you expected, given your not-insignificant number of teeth, and you’re glad it seems to be helping her along because there’s only so much you can do from this position. The vibrator has her human pleasure nub taken care of, but you need your arms around her neck to prevent your head from thudding into the glass with every enthusiastic hump of her hips.

“Rox-_ fuck _, Roxy, I need that container soon, grab one.”

She groans and rocks you on her lap more forcefully. “Fuckin’ grab one then, you’re longer than I am and I’m busy churning the sweetest pussy this side of a chocolate kitten.”

You almost choke laughing as you throw an arm out haphazardly and rummage until you find something that seems to be fairly watertight. You slip a little, and from this new position she’s able to hit your shame globes. God, you’ve got to be seconds away.

You open your mouth to warn her but don’t manage to before she lets out a breathy “Sollux, oh _ fuck_,” and thrusts up irregularly just a few more times before squirming in place. Did - did she just come before you? Far be it from you to make this awkward (well, awkward_er _). You press your feet against the door and use the leverage to rock hard on top of her, and it only takes a few deep, hard thrusts like that before you’re cumming yourself, managing to catch the majority of your material in the empty soup cup. The splatters and drips are obscene as hell, and just listening to them makes you shudder a little harder as she squeezes the base of the vibrator to turn it off.

You flop, limp-boned and sweaty, across her until she kicks you off.

“I ain’t about to take this into the club for a cleaning but I sure as hell need to at least wet wipe the thing, you know? And for that, you need to be off of it.” The words might be scolding, but she’s smiling as she says them, practically glowing with happiness.

“I take it you liked that kind of playing, then?” You grab what appear to be clean napkins out of an empty bag and wipe up your nook. God, you’re sopping.

She plants a gentle kiss on your cheek. “Sure as hell did. You’re invited for a repeat sometime if you want one, but I wouldn’t say no to having a go at those tentacles from the other direction either.”

“Yeah, well, they wouldn’t say no either, apparently.”

You both pull your pants back on and sit in semi-comfortable silence for a moment, heartbeats returning to normal.

“Did we fuck up?” you finally ask.

“Nah. Sex is just sex. There don’t have to be strings attached. But now we gotta sleep in my car since we can’t drive, so I guess we fucked up a _little_.”

“Eheh. Well, I might not mind, you know.” You incline your head with a shrug.

“Sollux, neither of us is driving while drunk.”

You scoff at her. “I meant the strings, I’m not an _ actual _ idiot.”

“Oh. Well we’re not talking about that while we’re drunk, either. Both of those things are for tomorrow. Now get your bony ass over here and cuddle with me in my takeout nest and pray nobody wakes us up and tells us to get out of their parking lot.”

“Fair enough.”

You _ do _ have a hell of a headache the next morning, but you also wind up with a date and no arrest record, and sometimes that’s all you can ask for in life.


End file.
